Things are wild right now.

If you want balanced, respectful discussion—log off, fatty, the internet is no place for you.

Online interactions are not famous for civilised discourse. The bar for good behaviour is lower than the morale of a sweatshop employee. Can you imagine speaking to a stranger—in real life—the way we do online? You’d get your head caved in. Your days would be filled with trips to A&E (and if you’re American, that’s bloody expensive).

I’ve been rude to fellow humans online.

This may shock you but I can be pretty passive-aggressive when the mood takes me. Sarcasm is one of my attributes—or flaws—depending on your point of view. I respond with DEFCON 5 saltiness when, out of nowhere, someone starts being patronising. These men (and it is always men) make it their mission to end me verbally (and probably physically, given half the chance). It takes a bigger man to change tack and be nice. I am not often the bigger man.

You would be mistaken if you thought I enjoyed virtual spats.

I hate them.

Although the anxiety generated could power a small Scottish island, it is never emotionally worth it, especially when I have more pressing matters to be anxious about. Sadly, online debates become unpleasant because they include reductive arguments, baseless opinions, and the cherry-picking of facts. And when people get upset, they resort to personal attacks. It makes no difference how virtuous the commentators and debaters think they are, none are immune to calling someone a daft twat.

The truth is some folks are genuine trolls, meaning there’s a malignant minority who get aroused/feel valued/derive some semblance of human feeling by shitposting. I was the target of one such internet dweller (he even had “Junior Shitposter” in his headline. I didn’t notice until I was balls-deep dealing with his ‘brand’).

Recently, I’ve been involved in more online arguments than ever. One questioned my judgement and another, my intellect. (The jury is still out on the latter and you’re about to see why.) I made the heinous faux pas of confusing the discovery of Wi-Fi technology with the invention of the internet—yes, I’m like that embarrassing friend you limit contact with. The only reasonable punishment for my transgression was public hanging, instead, I made do with public humiliation. A right proper roasting ensued by a right proper roaster. The guy was a pro. I was furnished with snideness like, “what you meant to say was…” and “please, DON’T do that” (y’know, all the things blokes say to women to remind us how broadly infantilised we are).

A more compassionate chap might have said I was close but no cigar. In short, this upstart implied I was an idiot. (Real men don’t imply, btw, real men have the balls to call me an idiot.) He said summat about Oppenheimer and quantum mechanics… or maybe quantum physics?—I dunno but I think it was to demonstrate his point that Wi-Fi and the internet are not the same thing.

To be honest, I lost track (and that’s what happens to stupid people, they get confused easily). I lost track coz I was distracted by a memory. As he forensically eviscerated me, I found myself back in GCSE maths class. Specifically the moment Mr Watts stared at me in amazed awe, wondering how someone so thick could have the mental capacity to remember to breathe. I would’ve shouted, “I have dyscalculia, Mr Watts!” but fourteen-year-old me didn’t know that then.

Since the US election, things online seem to be hitting top gear.

The Manosphere Collective is getting braver. These lads and their female sympathisers are venturing beyond the echo chamber, emboldened by their new supreme leader—and proudly declaring their rights (which ironically includes denying the rights of other people). Buckle up, kitty cats, this shit is only going to get worse—not just for Americans but for everyone who visits internet land. Behold another wave of right-wing fervour. Watch how it strangles the world in its authoritarian death grip.

But are we really surprised?

Disenfranchisement, recession, austerity, unemployment, and the high cost of living create optimal lab conditions for populist Temu dictators to grow and gain a majority vote. Authoritarianism requires an enemy—someone to blame for why “you can’t buy a house no more” and with the right, that enemy is always some marginalised group. Politicians, and the billionaires who control them—y’know, the folks really fucking up the show, get a free pass.

Rights are hard won—never freely given.

Things can always regress and get worse. Our so-called modernity means nothing. Orwellian-style political movements are never far away. It only takes one despot to undo decades of progress. Spin some rousing spiel about the glory days of years gone by, blame the reason they left on immigrants and you’ve cracked it. But no one actually wants to live in the past because the past we remember is false. It’s a dream made up of movie clips and nostalgia. We foolishly believe we’ve evolved enough to do better. Look, we’re advanced thinkers now! Gaze upon our technology—marvel at the civilisations we’ve built… and yet we fall for the same shit every time—proof that some people are dumber than me.

More like this…

Meritocracies and other fairy stories.

Britain, we have a drinking problem.

Some women are cunts too.