When love breaks down.
You can breathe a sigh of relief, I'm not going to write about my divorce. But that's only because I'm not divorced. If I were, you know I'd write about it.
Truth is, I really like Prefab Sprout. When Love Breaks Down is a corker of a tune…
I’ve added it to my workout playlist—and before you think aw, she plays various 80s pop tunes as she pounds the treadmill, how retro/cool, let me stop you there. I rarely listen to music beyond the 00s. In actuality, 80s music is positively modern by my standards.
As I was humming along to this banger, I was wondering how I might shoe-horn its title (and chorus) into a bit of writing. Well, here we are…
(So) when love breaks down.
That shit hurts.
Sometimes relationships go off the boil. They can become dormant and hibernate until we wake them back up again. Life often dictates how attentive we are to the people that mean something to us. But occasionally, communication drops off for inexplicable reasons. Only, that’s not true, there are always reasons, you’re just not party to what they are. For example, if a usually chatty friend is suddenly radio silent, they know why that is but they’ve chosen not to tell you.
The things you do.
You can bury your feelings or deal with them head-on.
If you reflect on why you react to things the way you do, you’re making having a relationship with you, easier. Gawd bless you.
But even the folks that go to the effort of this inner work (*hard cringe*) can still be an emotional conundrum because no one is ever ‘cured’ of themselves. But the really tricky fuckers are those that don’t self-reflect. And those who avoid the glare of self-awareness can make life exceptionally hard for people within their proximity. Looking inward is without question painful. It can also lead to gratuitous self-indulgence but mostly I think it’s a selfless act. Growing into the best human for other humans is altruistic.
To stop the truth from hurting you.
You’ve probably experienced an inadequate relationship but stuck it out for one reason or another.
In my early twenties, I met someone who radically influenced my life. So radically, in fact, that I still feel the after-effects, some twenty years on. A more appropriate term for it would be the fallout. This person was the only person to ever make me question my worth and my abilities. When a relationship, of any kind, makes you feel insignificant (as I did) it’s not a healthy union. But here’s the kicker: I didn’t always feel insignificant. When I was graced with the warmth of his attentions, however brief, I was on top of the world. At that moment, I was valued. Those short spells of feeling wanted, allowed me to tell myself the lie that this guy had a connection with me—fuck, he’d said as much. Also, he’d not felt that with anyone before—I know, lucky me. If you’re reading this rolling your eyes right outta your head, give me a fucking break, I was young when he reeled me in—and he used making me feel special as bait.
But it was the pushing away and pulling close that had me coming back for more. His aloof indifference married with just enough interest kept me permanently piqued. It became an on-again/off-again saga—FOR YEARS. And I’m calling it a saga because there isn’t a word in the dictionary to describe the relationship we had. Sadly, I spent quite a lot of that time upset and anxious and that’s not how loving, considerate relationships work of any denomination.
When a friendship breaks down.
Friendships can be unnecessarily difficult.
Have you ever had a glorious burgeoning chum-ship that within a few months takes a sharp turn into Shit Street?
Yeah, same.
In case you hadn’t noticed, I overanalyse EVERYTHING so when things nose dive, I’m already there, coming up with a gazillion ideas as to why it went so royally fucking wrong. And I do that because I genuinely give a shit.
In my case, I hadn’t a clue as to why my newfound friend was no longer so friendly. Even when I tried to probe into the issue, I was left none the wiser. It makes me feel a bit sad, especially when at the start, the friend in question was interested in having long conversations. They wanted to know what I’d been up to, they seemed curious about my life, and they went to some effort to meet in person—I know, fucking mental in this digital, post-covid age. But soon after meeting me, online chat all but stopped. When it did sporadically return, my bantz was missing the mark. And a sort of are they joking/are they being a cunt antagonism crept in. But more disturbingly, I was told my hair game wasn’t as strong as it was. WTF? My hair game is always strong.
SIDE NOTE: To anyone reading this, and thinking, I’d like to meet Sarah, she seems like a right laugh—don’t, you’ll be bitterly disappointed and resort to avoiding me at all costs.
I don’t think friendships should be this much work.
Keep in mind the old adage: you can choose your friends but not your family. So in that spirit, there’s no genetic, socially expected obligation with friends. If it’s an uphill struggle to maintain contact, leave well alone. And I would urge anyone to do the same with familial relationships. You don’t owe anyone a damn thing. Friendships that click are easygoing and they’re also a two-way street. If it becomes a slog, and they’re not prepared to tell you what’s changed, move the fuck on.
They only serve to fool ourselves.
Some relationships aren’t worth the effort because not all relationships are created equal—and some are decidedly mediocre. We all have different standards and expectations. I hope and pray (ok, I don’t pray) you find relationships that meet yours.
Did you like this? If so, bloody ‘like’ it! (And leave a comment, it’s lonely here.)
Making friends as an adult is so weird. I don't have friends here, only from back home. One woman was a classist b*tch from out of state so never talked to her again, and another was cool but she moved to Texas. The struggle is real... I don't care what you say--I'd totally want to meet you. I'm pretty accepting of people's oddities, anyway. 😁
I haven’t had much luck with some friendships, too.
Having said that, few are for keeps, some are just past their ”Best by” date.