The Gubb: Alpha Male Refuses To Shit Sitting Down.
Craig Sumner 33 of Maidstone Kent, won't use the toilet as intended.
The self-styled alpha male believes sitting down to take a number is the preserve of the weak stating, “It’s fine for women and children but I won’t be respected if I don’t shit where I stand.” Craig feels to sit on the toilet would be a “very beta move”—a reference to “feeble femme boys” who, he claims, enjoy being dominated by alphas like him.
Unrest in the household.
His partner Chloe Harford described the carnage that awaits her after he visits the bathroom, “I have to clean up after him, he’s too macho to do it himself. I’ve already had to throw out three bath mats. Luckily I replaced the carpet before he moved in. Seriously though, it’s like a fucking warzone, honestly, I often think—is this what it was like in Belgium, back in 1914?”
When asked about his method of taking a pony, Chloe explained, “He just shits standing up. I’ve never seen anything like it. He’s perfected the technique and can lay one out as he’s walking. Not even a dog can do that.”
A strained relationship.
Family members avoid inviting the couple to social gatherings. One relative (who wished to remain anonymous) said that at a BBQ last summer, he dropped a turd on the grass “without batting an eyelid”. Witnesses saw someone’s nan have a heart attack and children present began to cry, at which point Craig was asked to leave.
Craig is resolute.
He won’t tolerate any affront to his masculinity, “I have to be ready at all times and for any eventuality. I cannot show vulnerability and there’s nothing more vulnerable than a man seated with his jeans around his ankles—I’ll leave that caper to the mincing beta bros.” Craig confirms that he will shit where he stands until his last breath.