A wilder dream than pegging Michael Fassbender.
Is there a wilder dream? You better believe there is.
Ok, I don’t long to peg Michael Fassbender but I did have a (sordid, oddly satisfying) slumber vision that involved doing THAT to the incredibly talented German/Irish actor. (If you’ve no clue what THAT is, google it. Yes, you’ll sully your search history but if it’s anything like mine, ‘pegging’ is the least of your worries.) Rather appropriately, Mike’s surname is easily adapted to a sexual pun/rhyme, however, this has nothing to do with Assbender—this is about the even wilder dream of meeting interested men.
No, pervert, I’m not referring to sexual interest (who struggles to find a man interested in that?). Yes, a man’s initial fascination might be physical—hey, we all make moves on that score but finding a guy who desires to know what makes a woman tick is rarer than a rare thing.
I know, I know—#NotAllMen and if you can accept that I’m speaking in general terms, read on, this is quite interesting.
I enjoyed an article by Celeste Davis: The men who like women and the men who don't. Yes, we can tell. It had so many quotable lines:
“In men’s daily lives - in their jobs, in their church, in their friend groups - social capital is gained solely through other men. So they often don’t care if women feel disrespected by them. They care if men respect them. And the price of gaining mens’ respect often comes at the cost of disrespecting women.”
And…
“Our standard for who we call good men is astonishingly low (basically anyone who is not abusing women, but sometimes even then). Men get to proudly wear that title of ‘good’ man WHILE not respecting women, not listening to women, not liking women. Treating women like an equal is not a requirement for being a good man.”
Also…
“But the unfortunate truth is… successful men have little reason to care if they are perceived as someone who likes women. How they treat women has little to no effect on a man’s career, monetary success, popularity or reputation.”
Thought-provoking stuff.
It had me thinking about the times I’ve heard misogynists say “I don’t hate women, I love women”. But they never say they like women. Sure, they like what women give them; sex, children, comfort, labour but they view a woman’s value as tied to her relationships with men.
Perhaps women just need to be more interesting.
Look at George Clooney, he swore off marriage until he met Amal Alamuddin. Is being a stunning human rights lawyer what it takes for a guy to become piqued? Yes?
Yes.
Shit. If overachieving is the answer, I’m well and truly screwed.
My experiences with uninterested men are numerous. I did wonder if it was a ‘mid-life’ problem because I’m at the point where I’m awarded my invisibility cloak (although, I don’t go out enough to test that theory). Women get more interesting with age but less fuckable because youth is currency. So for men trading older partners for younger versions, being interesting isn’t something they care about. Sadly, I’ve experienced uninterested men throughout my life. And to some at least, I might be considered dull as fuck but there’s something bigger going on.
Women’s stories aren’t mainstream.
Their interests are a strictly niche market. A woman who talks about ‘women’s stuff’ is a woman’s commentator/author/comedian/activist. She isn’t a human talking about things humans experience. A film with a female cast is a chick flick. In comparison, films with male leads are for everyone. Most of us don’t notice (and lots of us don’t care) but when you start to pay attention, you realise half the population is being ignored or their representation is delivered through a male lens. No one used to bat an eye at an all-male board or jury but an all-female one? Even today that doesn’t feel right, does it? Presently you’ll find male majorities in most places where decisions happen. That’s progress I guess.
Men’s accomplishments are the yardstick of greatness.
Ask a man who his heroes are and he’ll list other men. Pick any field—music is a good example—men love a music-themed circle jerk, it’s all “he’s the greatest [INSTRUMENT PLAYER] of all time”. You might find Karen Carpenter on a list of Greatest Drummers (that’s if they remember she was a shit-hot drummer and not *just* a shit-hot singer). And yeah, there’ll be a smattering of women on similar lists but a lot of time it’s tokenism.
Maybe women aren’t as talented as men, and maybe science can help find the answers but before we conduct such an experiment, keep this in mind: we exist in a patriarchy which biases both men and women against women. And that leads to:
Female excellence being diminished/ignored/erased
Female ideas being stolen/coopted/not recorded
The documenting of female greatness (past and present) reported through a male worldview
Urgh.
My advice?
If you want a man to be interested, momentarily at least, do something a man can do. A man will offer praise when you bench almost as much as he can—don’t bench the same though, coz he’ll get sad and begin to question his masculinity. But if you really wanna keep him interested, give him the floor. A man likes nothing more than talking about himself.
As a straight woman, interacting with men is necessary. If you have a brain, it can be hard work. And you can be forgiven for thinking you’ve unwittingly purchased a ticket to An Audience With. But because I like men (no, really, I do, why do you think I write about them so much?) and I’m attracted to them for reasons (I can think of at least one), I must navigate this bullshit. A more radical feminist might suggest it’s like sleeping with the enemy—and whilst I don’t see men as the enemy I do get the inference.
If all else fails I’m going to train as a human rights lawyer and book some plastic surgery (by the time I qualify, I’ll need it).
Men gaining social capital through other men rather than caring about women’s respect – yeah, that's a sore truth. And I can’t argue with it. It’s fucking weird how ‘good guy’ status is handed out like a participation trophy for basic decency. Also, thanks for adding pegging back to my image search history.
Only you, Sarah…only you…ha-ha!